Coping With Grief: How to Find Your Way Through What Feels Impossible

Grief is one of the most universal human experiences - and yet, when it arrives, it can feel profoundly isolating. Whether it is losing someone you love, the end of a relationship, receiving a life-changing diagnosis, or saying goodbye to a version of your life you had imagined, grief has a way of making you feel utterly alone in something that every human will face.

What Is Grief - Really?

Most people associate grief with death. And while the loss of someone you love is one of the most profound forms of grief we can experience, psychologists recognise grief as a response to any significant loss. This includes:

• The end of a relationship or marriage

• Job loss or career change

• A medical diagnosis - for yourself or someone you love

• The loss of a pregnancy or the experience of infertility

• A child leaving home

• The loss of a friendship

• Moving away from a place that felt like home

• The loss of a sense of identity - who you thought you were, or the future you had planned

Grief, at its core, is love with nowhere to go. It is the natural, human response to losing something or someone that mattered deeply to you.

The Myth of the Five Stages

Many people are familiar with the concept of the "five stages of grief" - denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance - introduced by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in 1969. While this framework brought grief into public conversation in a meaningful way, it has also created a widespread and unhelpful misconception: that grief follows a neat, linear path with a clear endpoint called acceptance.

The reality is far messier, and far more human than that.

Grief does not move in a straight line. It circles back. It catches you off guard on an ordinary Tuesday when a song comes on the radio. It softens and then surges again - sometimes years later, at a birthday, an anniversary, or a moment when you reach for your phone to call someone who is no longer there.

Modern grief research, including the work of psychologist J. William Worden, has moved away from stages of grief toward a more helpful framework of tasks, things like accepting the reality of loss, working through pain, adjusting to a changed world, and finding ways to maintain a continuing bond with what was lost while still engaging with life. This is not about completion. It is about integration.

What Grief Can Look Like

One of the reasons grief is so often misunderstood, both by the person experiencing it and by those around them, is that it can look very different from what we expect.

Grief does not always look like tears. It can look like:

·      Numbness and disbelief a feeling of going through the motions, of life feeling unreal, of not being able to fully absorb what has happened

·      Anger at the person who died, at the circumstances, at the unfairness of it all, at yourself, at people who seem to be living their lives as if nothing has changed

·      Physical symptoms exhaustion, changes in appetite or sleep, a heaviness in the chest, a feeling of physical pain that has no obvious cause

·      Difficulty concentrating forgetting things, finding it hard to make decisions, feeling like your brain is not working properly

·      Anxiety heightened awareness of mortality, fear of further loss, difficulty feeling safe in the world

·      Guilt replaying conversations, wondering if you could have done something differently, feeling guilty for having a good day

·      Relief particularly after a long illness or a difficult relationship, and then feeling guilty about the relief

All of these are grief. None of them mean you are doing it wrong.

Grief and Neurodivergence

It is worth noting that grief can present and be experienced quite differently for neurodivergent individuals, those with ADHD, autism, or other neurological differences.

For autistic individuals, grief may not always be expressed in the ways that others expect or recognise. The emotional experience may be intense but internalised, expressed through changes in behaviour, routine disruption, or physical sensations rather than visible distress. Autistic people may also grieve things that neurotypical people do not recognise as losses e.g., the end of a special interest, a change in routine, or the loss of a predictable future.

For individuals with ADHD, grief can be complicated by emotional dysregulation, feelings that arrive intensely and unpredictably, difficulty processing emotions over time, and a tendency to either avoid or become overwhelmed by the feelings that grief brings.

Understanding your own neurological profile can be genuinely helpful in making sense of how you are experiencing grief - and in seeking support that actually fits how your brain works.

What Helps

There is no universal prescription for grief. What helps one person may not help another, and what helps at one point in the grieving process may not help at another. That said, research and clinical experience point to a number of things that tend to support people through grief:

Allow yourself to feel it As counterintuitive as it sounds, the most important thing you can do with grief is not to avoid it. Grief that is suppressed does not disappear - it tends to surface later, often in ways that are harder to recognise and address. Creating space to feel what you feel - even when it is painful - is not weakness. It is the work of healing.

Do not grieve on a timeline There is no correct amount of time to grieve. Well-meaning people may say things like "it has been a year now" or "you need to move on." These comments, however kindly intended, are not helpful. Grief does not operate on a schedule, and there is no finish line you are supposed to have crossed by a particular date.

Stay connected Grief has a way of making people withdraw from the people and activities that sustain them. While it is natural to need quiet and solitude at times, isolation tends to deepen rather than ease grief over time. Staying connected, even in small ways, even when it feels difficult, matters.

Find rituals and ways to remember For many people, maintaining a sense of connection to what was lost is an important part of grieving. This might look like visiting a place that held meaning, marking anniversaries, keeping objects that hold significance, or simply talking about the person or thing that was lost. Grief does not require you to let go. It asks you to carry what you have lost in a different way.

Move your body Physical activity is not a cure for grief, but it does support the nervous system in ways that can make the emotional weight of grief more manageable. Even a short walk can help regulate the body's stress response.

Be patient with yourself Grief is exhausting. It takes cognitive and emotional resources that leave less capacity for everything else. You may find yourself less productive, less patient, less able to focus. This is not a personal failing - it is what grief does to the brain and body. Treat yourself with the same compassion you would offer a friend.

When to Seek Professional Support

Grief is a normal part of life, and not everyone who experiences it needs professional support. But there are circumstances where speaking with a psychologist can make a meaningful difference.

Consider seeking support if:

• Grief is significantly interfering with your ability to function in daily life for an extended period

• You are experiencing persistent feelings of hopelessness or that life is not worth living

• You are using alcohol, substances, or other behaviours to manage the pain of grief

• You feel stuck - as if grief is not moving or shifting over time

• You are experiencing complicated grief, which can include prolonged and intense yearning, difficulty accepting the loss, or feeling that life is meaningless without what was lost

• You are supporting a child or young person through grief and are unsure how to help

  
  

Psychological therapy, particularly approaches like Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) and Grief-focused Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, can provide a safe, supported space to process grief at your own pace, develop coping strategies, and begin to find a way forward.

Grief is not something to be fixed. It is something to be witnessed, felt, and gradually integrated into the fabric of who you are. The goal is not to reach a place where loss no longer hurts, it is to reach a place where you can carry that hurt alongside everything else that makes up your life.

If you are finding grief difficult to navigate on your own, our team at Cognitive Assessments Australia is here to help. We offer warm, evidence-based psychological therapy for adults, adolescents, and children navigating grief and loss, from our clinics in Melbourne and Brisbane, and via Telehealth anywhere in Australia.

You do not have to carry this alone.