School Refusal or School ‘Can’t’? Understanding the Difference

When a child struggles to go to school, it can be stressful for the whole family. Mornings may turn into battles filled with tears, stomach aches, or outright refusals to get out the door. Parents are often left asking themselves: Are they just refusing, or is something deeper going on?

This is where it helps to think about the difference between school refusal and school ‘can’t.’

School Refusal

This usually means a child is unwilling to attend, often due to anxiety, worry, or avoidance. They might fear social situations, academic pressure, or being away from home. Their body may feel sick with nerves, but underneath, they are capable of attending, it just feels too overwhelming.

School ‘Can’t’

In contrast, school ‘can’t’ happens when something genuinely prevents attendance, such as learning difficulties that make schoolwork feel impossible, untreated mental health conditions like depression, or external factors such as bullying or family stress. In these cases, it is not about refusal, but about barriers that need to be addressed before attendance becomes realistic.

Why does this distinction matter?

Because the approach to support is different. Viewing it only as “refusal” can leave parents and schools feeling frustrated, focusing on pushing the child harder. But when we pause and ask, “What is underneath this?”, we can respond with empathy and problem-solving rather than punishment.

In therapy and school collaboration, support might look like:

• Exploring the root cause - is it separation anxiety, bullying, learning challenges, or something else?

• Teaching coping tools - like breathing strategies, gradual exposure, or social skills practice.

• Building bridges with school - creating step-by-step plans so children can return at a pace that feels safe.

• Supporting parents - helping you respond calmly in the morning rush and feel confident in guiding your child.

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It’s important to remember children do not avoid school for no reason. Whether it is a “won’t” or a “can’t,” there is always a story behind the struggle. With the right support, children can rebuild their confidence, re-engage with learning, and feel safe in the school environment again.

Here is a list of resources that you can use to learn more about school refusal versus school ‘can’t’, and some strategies to assist supporting children through these challenges: 

• Raising Children Network (Australia) – Articles on anxiety, school refusal, and child wellbeing.https://raisingchildren.net.au

• Beyond Blue – Children and Young People – Support for anxiety, depression, and school-related stress.https://www.beyondblue.org.au

• Kids Helpline – Free counselling and resources for children and parents.https://kidshelpline.com.au | Phone: 1800 55 1800

• Headspace (Australia) – Mental health support for young people aged 12–25, with parent resources.https://headspace.org.au

• Anxiety Canada – School Refusal Guide – Practical strategies for parents on supporting children with school anxiety/refusal.https://www.anxietycanada.com

• Child Mind Institute (US-based, globally relevant) – Articles and guides on school refusal and child mental health.https://childmind.org

• Books for Parents

  • Getting Your Child to Say “Yes” to School: A Guide for Parents of Youth with School Refusal Behaviour – Christopher Kearney

  • Helping Your Anxious Child: A Step-by-Step Guide – Ronald Rapee & colleagues